As a partner of an addict, we learn to deny our own reality, and to suffer, sometimes silently, with the truth of our partners deceit and betrayal. Constantly lied to, we began to become someone and something we did not wish to be, like:
- Allowing behaviors to occur with our partner that we would not allow in ourselves
- Lying for our partners when they got in trouble or missed their responsibilities
- Searching through his/her phone, purse, wallet, or internet history, trying to prove the obvious
- Loss of any self-respect/self-esteem
- Became miserable and felt hopeless
- Became physically sick, and emotionally numb
- Missed important events because we were obsessed with our partner
- Accepted stories we were certain were lies, only to lose ourselves
- Began to believe if our partner got better, we would be fixed
- Distracted ourselves to avoid our pain, becoming shells of who we used to be
Reclaiming our true self-begins when we get help for ourselves. The hardest step is to admit we can’t change the addicted partner, and we decide to stop repeating behaviors that haven’t ever worked.
The realization that what was a bad idea yesterday is still a bad idea today and a commitment to reality at all costs is the beginning of trusting yourself again.
The healing process is the most important journey you will ever make, even if your partner does not join you. Several books to get started are:
- Mending A Shattered Heart by Stefanie Carnes
- Deceived by Claudia Black
- Facing Love Addiction by Pia Melody
- Facing Codependence by Pia Melody
- Codependent No More: How to Stop Controlling Others and Start Caring for Yourself by Melody Beattie
- The Language of Letting Go (Hazelden Meditation Series) by Melody Beattie
The process of recovery must include working through the trauma that the addicts behavior creates, along with individual, group, and family therapy. Helping partners of addicts requires having a trained professional who is knowledgeable, compassionate, and who has experience with this population. Recovery is primarily a grieving process. We understand this critical piece of healing.
Give Life Works a Call for a free phone consultation.